Madison, what is it?
What happened?
It's the saddest thing I ever saw.
It's Bonanza.
The man killed another man and he died in the street.
No, no. This is only TV.
I thought you understood about TV being make-believe.
It's pretend killing that's going on.
This guy is an actor.
Next week, he'll get shot on another show.
It's kinda funny.
I'm supposed to laugh?
Yeah.
There you go.
Yeah.
I got you something.
It's beautiful. I love it.
No, you open it.
There's more?
Do you like that?
Yeah, I do.
I don't know why. Just...
something about it.
It's always appealed to me.
Do you like the sea?
No. When I was about eight,
I had this accident on a ship.
I remember.
What?
Ah, I can't.
I forget the words.
What's..."I understand."
Did you get hurt?
No, no, I didn't,
but when I was underwater, I could have sworn I saw...
- What? - Nothing.
- What? - Nothing!
I was just a stupid kid.
- They're going to tear this park out. - Why?
They're gonna build condos or some such nonsense.
What are you gonna do, huh?
You want to go home?
No, I have five days left!
No-no-no. My home!
Oh. Yes.
Why do we want to go to a political dinner?
- The president will be speaking. - President of what?
President of the Three Stooges Fan Club.
- The president of the United States! - Wow.
We'll be rubbing elbows with the big boys.
- You think big, you be big. - I guess so.
Listen,
would you mind if I took Madison...
instead of going with you?
What?
- What? - What?
Something in here not working?
"Oh, I'll never fall in love, Freddie.
I can't. It won't work with me."
Who said anything about me being in love?
You haven't been to work in two days.
- So? - Admit it.
- No. - Admit it!
Eye gouge!
Ahhh. Ahhh!
- Admit it. Bone crusher! - No.
Son of a bi...
Ow.
How long we been playing?
- About five minutes. - Oh, God.
My heart's beating like a rabbit.
You, uh, want a beer?
No, thanks.
So, tell me this.
If you're not in love with her,
how come little things she does, drive you crazy?
Little things?
Freddie, the woman learned English in a single afternoon.
She could probably speak English already.
I think she was in shock from being arrested.
What about that, huh?
What about a woman showing up naked in a public place?
I'm for it.
You said...
that she had some kind of immigration problem.
She's on an ocean liner in international waters.
She sees America. It looks good.
So, she greases her body like a channel swimmer.
She dives in. She has heavy trouble with sharks,
she goes through the Coast Guard, minefields and then she's on shore.
She's okay. That's it.
What about the bathtub?
This moon stuff, and all those TV's?
Look, I'm being serious.
I admit to a few minor fiascos in my love life.
Freddie, you took a date to one of your own weddings!
I'm a free spirit!
I'm extremely liberal, a freewheeling dude.
You're in love with this girl. You're trying to convince yourself you're not.
I just don't know, Freddie.
Something about it isn't right.
I'll serve.
Hold the beer. That will be your handicap.
- Oh, we're gonna play? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna teach you a lesson in humility. - Wait.
Humility 101.
- You all set? - Yeah.
Here we go.
Oh!
This is what we came to hear?
You call and tell us you have stretched the frontiers of paleontology...
and zoology.
We interrupt important, serious work...
to fly here at a moment's notice,
and you give us mermaids.!
Don't call us. Call the comic book companies.
Enough. We have a seminar in three weeks. Be ready.
Allen, you're here! I got you a present.
- Don't look. Close your eyes. - I gotta close the door.
What are you doing?
All right.
Okay. Look.
Ha-ha! Wha... You, ah...
Well, that's big!
Yeah, this is...
This is very... big,
and it's... really here.
It's just so big.!
They were gonna tear it down, so I bought it for you.
Where did you get the money to pay for it?
Madison, where's your necklace?
- I traded it for the statue. - Why?
Because I love you.
Oh, Madison.
Madison, I love...
this, ah, present.
I love it.
And I love you.
What's happened to you?
You were the brightest student in my class.
True, emotionally, you were 12 years old.
- I was 12 years old. - That's right.
Look what you've become;
a schmuck.
There is a mermaid in New York City.
You mean this, this naked girl?
How come she's got legs?
She has legs out of water and fins in the water.
You taught me that, Dr. Zidell. Remember?
You taught me all the legends.
You used to show me charts on your office walls...
where sailors had claimed they saw mermaids.
Walter, that was for fun, for relaxation,
not for you to build your whole life on.
I'm gonna prove to you and everyone else that...
that girl is a mermaid!
How? You gonna get her wet...
so everybody sees she has fins?
Taxi?
Oh!
- Watch it.! - Hey, watch it, buddy.
Excuse me.
Look out.
What does he think he's doing?
Hey.! Hey.!
Oh, my...
Ow, ohh, ooof!
Oops.
Nice earrings.
- Is something the matter? - No, nothing at all.
I was thinking. You don't have to leave the country.
- I do. - You don't. There's stuff we can do...
to get around the immigration laws.
I could give you a job down at the market.
You could get a work visa.
Or, uh, you could, uh,
marry, like, an American,
and they have to let you stay.
Our food is here!
Oh. Well, we'll talk about it later.
Do be careful, madam. The plate is very hot.
Thank you. These look terrific.
She's really hungry!
You were very good.
Come on. Oops. Come on.
Let's sit down and talk.
Ah.
Your nose is cold.
I don't want to talk about my nose.
Your ears are all red!
I don't want to talk about any part of my face.
But I do want to talk about what happened in the restaurant.
I'm sorry.
That's how we eat lobster where I come from.
Oh, no-no-no. I don't care about that.
I was trying to do something in there, and I guess I did it very badly.
I was trying...
to ask you if you wanted to get married.
Madison, will you marry me?
No.
What? No? Just no?
You don't want to think about it, kick it around?
- I can't. - Why?
I can't tell you.
I know you have some big secret you think...
you can't tell me, but you can.
- You're already married? - Allen.
You're dying? You were once a man?
- Whatever it is, you can tell me. - Allen.
I only have three days left.
Please make them wonderful.
Okay.
Want to skate some more?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Allen?
You know them?
No, I'vejust seen them before.
I guess they've come here for about 40 years.
They look very happy.
Why shouldn't they be happy, huh?
They get to spend their whole lives together.
Is this really what happens when water gets cold?
Yeah.
Where I come from, it never gets cold.
Well, hey, what a breakthrough!
You just really opened up to me there.
Your voice sounds funny.
It's called sarcasm.
They don't have that where you come from either?
No.
Well, they don't have anything, do they?
They don't have ice, or music or clothes.
What kind of a place is this?
Madison?
- Madison! - Hey, those skates are rented!
Give me one second. Madison? Ahh! Madison!
Madison, please? I'm sorry!
Let her go. Show some dignity.
Madison?
Thanks.
Hey, Charlie. How's it goin'?
- Allen? - What?
Yes.
If we get our blood test today, we can marry tomorrow!
Before the blood test, I have to tell you everything.
So, tell me.
- Not today. - But see,
if we get the test today... no pressure, mind you...
then as soon as you tell me, we can get married.
Listen, you will love being married to me.
I was born to be married. Mom and Dad were married.
Their moms and dads were married too.
Son of a bitch.
I thought we were going upstairs.
I love you. I'm not gonna lose you again.
We are getting married tonight.
We're gonna drive to Maryland. Freddie always marries there.
You don't need a blood test down there.
There's this dinner with the president. Damn!
Hey, that's okay! We'll go to Maryland after dinner.
- We'll already be dressed up! - I haven't told you...
You haven't told me this big secret.
Tell me on the way to Maryland.
Oooh!
I hope we have a boy and a girl.
- What kind? - Wha... What kind?
The young kind, I guess.
The older ones are a little hard to deliver.
We're getting married tonight.
- Wonderful. - Thank you.
Why is this bread in here instead of out there?
The butter is hard like a rock.
Do you have a broken arm?
No, it's fractured in 16 places.
Why are you here?
The union sent me.
My God, the president is here!
The president's here. The president's here!
Hmm.
I'm just a corn-fed Kansas boy,
but you are the Big Apple of my eye.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. It's great to be back in New York.
Alert. Alert. Table 5.
Intercept busboy with suspicious hump.
He's reaching! Get him now!
- Sir, I'd like a word with you, please. - About what?
This has nothing to do with the president.
This has nothing to do with the president.!
Well, I guess he just found out what his dinner cost.
I want to talk to the press.
I have a formal statement to make!
In Bob Hollins, you have a candidate for Congress...
who is in touch with the people,
a man who built up the business left to him by his grandfather.
What was once a small pushcart on wheels...
- Allen? - Yeah?
It's time for me to tell you.
What? Now?
- Right now. - Okay. Great.
- Not here. - Fine. Fine.
But more importantly, with fresh meat.
- I am not crazy. There's a mermaid in there. - Shut up.
- What mermaid? - I am a scientist!
Where's the goddamn car!
The gray BMW.
Hey, I know that guy.
I saw him on Cape Cod. He was crazy then.
There she is! There she is!
- Don't let him shoot that. - That a gun?
- Hold it.! - No!
Get that thing out ofhis hand.
Grab that hose.!
Grab him.! Get him.!
- No! - What's going on?
I was right!
Behold the mermaid!
Let me outta here.!
Who are you? What is your name?
Allen!
- What do we do? - Grab her. Grab everybody.
- I want to see her. - Allen! Allen!
Get her.! Get her.!
Allen.!
Please?
- Let's pick her up. - Allen. Allen!
Allen. Allen.
Allen.!
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross.
Dr. Hill, line 5. Stat.!
- Buckwalter. - Sir!
Gentlemen.
- Anything? - No change.
I am not a fish!
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Will you just let me out of here?
Please? Huh? People?
Let's try some interaction.
Fine. Jim?
I guess they thought you might be one.
Yeah.
I guess so.
You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand.
I know.
You thought at least I was a human being.
Allen?
He's been in the water 12 hours. He's just a man.
Get him out so we can concentrate on her.
Greg Martin, W-M-E-T Radio, here with Allen Bauer.
- When did you meet the mermaid? - Tell me where.
Did you know she was a mermaid?
- Did you actually make love to her? - That's a stupid question.
Did she eat worms?
Would you have to make love to her in water?
That's none of your business.
Is she a mutant or missing link?
No, she's not.
I'm from People. Is she also seeing Burt Reynolds?
For crying out loud!
Leave him alone!
Leave him alone! Get out of the way!
- Let me through. - Out of the way.
- Allen, you all right? - Yeah. Get me out.
Is anyone here from Penthouse?
- No. - Then we ain't talking.
Hey, Allen?
What are you looking at? You never saw a guy who slept with a fish?
Get back to work!
Mr. Bauer, you had a million messages.
I wrote them down.
You got calls from CBS, NBC, ABC, AP,
UPI, Ted Turner, Time, Newsweek,
Marineland, "Ripley's Believe It Or Not,"
and Mrs. Paul.
Not now, Mrs. Stimler.
"Fishman?"
Fishman!
That's what they're calling you on TVtoo.
Personally, I think it's kinda cute.
- So, how is she? - How is she?
She's... a mermaid.
I don't understand. All my life...
I've been waiting for someone...
and when I find her,
she's a fish.
Nobody said love's perfect!
Oh, Freddie, I don't expect it to be perfect,
but for God's sake, it's usually human!
Every day people meet and they fall in love.
Look what I got.
Look what you got. Yeah, let's look.
Let's take a good look at what you got.
- People fall in love every day, huh? - Yeah.
That's a crock! It doesn't work that way.
Do you realize how happy you were with her?
That is, when you weren't driving yourself crazy.
Every day? Come on.
Some people will never be that happy! I'll never be that happy.
What am I talking to you for?
You don't know nothing. Mrs. Stimler?
Does she look a little pale?
Ah, that's a good day's work.
Tomorrow, I want to see how she interacts...
with other marine life, then the internal examination.
Internal?
I want to study her pulmonary system,
- reproductive organs, everything! - Dr. Ross?
Are we considering...
how the subject is responding to the examination procedure?
I'm considering everything!
Ah, yes,
I'm sure you are, Dr. Ross.
How stupid of me. But let me ask,
are you considering the possibility...
that you might be a sadistic pig?
While we are baring our souls, Mr. Kornbluth,
I must honestly tell you I have never considered you a man of science.
You're not a member of my team.
Run along, Walter. See if you can't find a unicorn.
- What's that? - Painkiller, Mr. Kornbluth.
Whoever punched you cracked your tooth.
We'll be very close to the nerve.
I don't deserve painkiller. Just drill.
Oh, you want pain. Well, we aim to please.
Get out.
- What are you... - Get out!
- Ja, ja, ja. - Please stay. Ahh!
Let's talk.
Hey, put that down.
- Put that needle down. - Stay away from me.
- I said, "Let's talk." Put it down. - Stay away!
Ahhh!
Ahhh! Ohhh!
Uh.
Ah!
What a week I'm having!
You've destroyed my life, Kornbluth.
I didn't mean to.
I just had to prove that I wasn't crazy.
I'm a man of science.
I just didn't think about how it would affect you...
or her.
I'm really a nice guy.
If I had friends, you could ask them.
I've been on the phone to every employee of the government...
calling them sons of bitches.
Nobody could even get in to see her.
I can.
Come on. Come on!
- Ahh! - Come on.
Good afternoon, Dr. Kornbluth. I wasn't expecting you today.
These are Drs. Jarred and Johanssen...
from the Stockholm Institute.
I thought they were coming later with Dr. Ross.
No, no. That story was to fool the press.
You know, I'm half Swedish.
- Ja. - Ja.
- Oh, ja.
- Well! - Just a second.
Ah.
- How the hell did you do that? - Let me tell you.
Many nudie films come from Sweden.
After you see them 400 or 500 times, the stuff sinks in.
Afternoon, Buckwalter.
Sorry, no one comes in...
until Dr. Ross gets back with them Swede people.
These are the Swedish doctors.
These are... Swedes?
Ah, come here.
Isn't that one kinda dark?
He's dirty from the trip!
- Let us in. - I'm not supposed to.
What are you afraid of?
Do you think we're gonna steal the mermaid?
Steal the mermaid. Stealing the mermaid!
Are we gonna fold her in half and put her in a briefcase?
In a briefcase. In half.
I guess it's all right.
Go in. Go in.
- Good joke, there. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Is this the big secret you've been keeping,
that you're a mermaid, or is there something else?
No, that's it.
Allen, don't feel guilty.
Guilty? About what?
About not loving me anymore.
Oh, Madison.
All the time we were together,
you always knew how I was feeling.
Can't you tell now?
#Well, left my wife in New Orleans #
# Forty-eight kids and a can of beans #
- # Left, right, one, two ## - Oh, my God!
- What? - Stand back, man.
Cover his face, for God's sake!
What happened? What's going on?
Dr. Johanssen bent down to examine that creature...
and suddenly these rays came out of her eyes!
Don't go in there! She'll melt your face off.
I knew something would happen. What should I do?
- Don't whine. Seal off the area. - I'll call the Pentagon.
You want to create a national panic?
- I don't want to die! - Pull yourself together.
Don't let anybody in that room.
I'll be back with nuclear weapons. Come on, Doctor.
Good afternoon, Dr. Ross. Who are your guests?
Drs. Jarred and Johanssen from the Swedish Institute.
Sir?
Dr. Kornbluth left with the Swedes a few minutes ago.
Hiya, boys. Come in. The water's fine.
Let's get her back now! And arrest him.
We have a blue BMW. Over.
Come on.
Know something? I don't think we're being followed.
Wha... Well, that was easy.
That was simple! We did it!
- My plan. - You're a genius.
I am a genius, but you came in with the Swedish thing.
That was a brilliant touch.
I didn't even like you when we first met.
Nobody likes me when they first meet me.
Allen?
- Move! - All right. Here we go!
Suspect heading south on Broadway.
Unit One. Lost them in the Wall Street district. Over.
- Stop the car. - What?
Stop and let me out. I'll slow them down. Do it!
I caused all this. Now I'm gonna finish it.
Get the hell out of here.
Go!
Whoa! Oooh.
What a week I'm having.!
Hey, mac, move that thing out of here.
Up yours, Gomer. I'm waitin' for a fare.
Heave!
All right. Move out.
Come on, let's go!
- I was ready to stay with you forever. - I know.
They know who you are. They won't leave you alone.
I can't ever come back to you.
I wish I could go with you.
You can.
- How? - It can be done.
Remember when you were eight and fell off the ship?
You were safe under the water, weren't you?
Yeah.
You were with me.
You mean, that was real?
That was you?
That was you!
This is great. This is great!
I can go with you and still come back...
and see Freddie at Christmas.
You can't ever come back.
Madison.
I understand.
You on the dock, don't move.
You're under arrest.
Let the girl go. Step back.
You're under arrest.
You have to go.
Move out. Let's go.!
I love you, Madison.
Go.
Go!
Get that guy on the dock.
Leave her alone!
Madison.
Madison!
Stay where you are. We'll get you out.
Madison!
Ooo!
# One fine day #
#Love came for me #
#And love was rare #
#As love can be #
#I saw stars #
#Shining in clear blue skies #
# We flowed together #
# Once and forever #
#Love came for me #
# One fine night #
#Love let us see #
#How far we'll go #
#How good we'll be #
# We saw a world #
#No one ever saw before #
#It was the world #
#Love can start #
# With a beat of a heart #
#Love came for me #
#I saw stars #
#Shining in clear blue skies #
# We flowed together #
# Once and forever #
#Love came for me #
# One fine night #
#Love let us see #
#How far we'll go #
#How good we'll be #
# We saw a world #
#No one ever saw before #
#It was the world #
#Love can start #
# With a beat of a heart #
#Love came for me #
#Love came for me ##